Wowssss

Oh wow. Why so sad?? Lol. I sounded like an emo in the previous post... lol. I've decided I'm going to change myself! How? I dunno, but I vowed not to let little things get to me, pshhh... they don't deserve getting angry at!

That's it for today. I have to go poo again (stupid diarrhea!!!) >=(

-428-

Currently at work right now... and I have the time to blog...

Nothing exciting is going on with my life... i go to work, do my stuff, go home, dinner, surf on the internet,shower, sleep.

B L A N K.

FEELING SO FUCKING HOPELESS about something.

SO?

It's not like I can do anything about it... if I do do something about it, I might as well do something that will give my parents a reason to ground me for life and ban me from internet or any devise that has the ability to contact the "outside world",, at least I'll have a reason to fade away (without exposing any sentiments) from

him.

But it's not like he'll notice if I do disappear,,, and if he does, I will simply become an object to mock at.

"When you feel the slip / when you start to crack / When it's all to hell / Know I have your back / whether right or wrong / [it's] beside the point / cuz we're more than blood..." (离家不远 -南拳妈妈）

Will I have someone to sing that to?

. // .

why hello there...!!

Oh wow... I haven't written in here for more than two years... the "xanga team" actually had to REMIND me that this blog exists~~

How should I begin telling the melancholic tale of my life? Or the events that took place in those two years?

...

Nevermind. I am not a self-obsessed freak, so I will not say anything. My life is slowly drifting back to the gross "oh-look-I-am-an-emo!" state that I was in two years ago-- more or less the same situation, but (a ?) different...object(s ?)

"easier said than do." -I applaud to the originator of this saying. Oh, how true!

On a brighter note, I have a coop placement now that will probably last to September (in other words, CHANEL, BURBERRY and lovely GUCCI, HERE I COME!!!!!!)

Forgive me for my grammatical mistakes and the shortness of this entry... I haven't written in more than three months.

June 14th, 2006//0.38

I AM SICK OF THISSSSSSSS....

First off, i'm not any better than before. NOW, to make matters worse... YTF DOES HE HAVE TO COME BACK FROM THERE ON MY BIRTHDAY?!!! AS IF MY B-DAY ISN'T GOING TO BE BITTER ENOUGH... Y IS THE FACT I'M NEVER GOING TO BE AS CUTE, PRETTY, GROSSLY FEMINIE THAN THE OTHER GIRLS I KNOW BOTHER ME SO MUCH NOW??? BUT EVEN IF I MOPE ABOUT IT, I WILL NOT GIVE UP ALL THAT I HAVE (OR NOT HAVE) NOW AND GO BACK TO THE WEIRD FAT GEEK I WAS IN GRADE 11...

I've learned my lesson.

I will NEVER trust anyone so much anymore... soon, i'll learn to stay silent.

i've learned to keep a few things such as my dignity to myself.... soon, nobody would know anything about me. 

I've learned to disappear when some try to get too close to me... soon, NOBODY is ever going to know me.

I am GOING to learn to stay invisible.

I DON'T CARE ANYMORE....

May 28th, 2006// 0.09

Since xanga deleted my previous blogs (rants, blabbers, comments...whatever.), I've decided to start a new blog... a serious blog!!

I feel so grey today. I guess it has to do with school.. .and how FAR behind I am doing in school. I seriously thought I can concentrate and do what everyone thinks I CANNOT do.. but I guess I won't be breaking through that barrier anytime soon. >_<

I feel so depressed right now... I REALLY aim to do well in the summer to pull my mark up.. but everything is so heavy!! eg) one of my history classes consists of doing around 30 pages of reading per class... I DON'T MIND the reading.. IF I don't have to worry about other courses (the other courses being ANOTHER history course, a math and an english...) Another problem arises... even if I can handle being a history major and an international studies major... what can I do after I graduate? I wanted to be a lawyer when I was young.. but that DREAM is going further and further away from me... well! Basically, this summer, that dream is SQUASHED FLAT! I can't do math, can't do science, and just found out I can't do business courses.. i THOUGHT I was ok in history... but I AM SCARED of essays... OH, WHAT A JOKE! All this history majors  told me if I can't write essays, I SHOULDN'T be in history...let alone wanting to major in it.

I don't know what I'll become...or who I am anymore aside from being a failure. My mom doesn't force me much anymore.. probably she KNOWS i can't be who she wants me to be... I CANNOT achieve what she wants me to achieve... I CANNOT even behave the way she wants me to.

I

am

a

failiure.

Well...

MAYBE there's still hope... I read a Psalm during my devotion tonight (feeling too down too read what I normally reads for my devotion, being Numbers. =_=")...here it goes, pretty long:

Hear, O lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you. Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. You are forgiving and good. O lord, abounding in love to all who call on you. Hear my prayer; O Lord; listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me. Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord; no deeds can compare wuith yours. All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, O Lord; they will bring glory to your name. For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God. Teach me your ways, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O my god, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave. the arrogant are attacking me, O God; a band of ruthless men seeks my life- men without regard for you. But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant and save the son of your maidservant. Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

 The above long passage is from Psalm 86. Perhaps there is still hope for me... after all, God must have created me with a purpose in His eternal plan, right?? ^_^ King David faced some harsh mental as well as physical time... worse than me, in fact! I SHOULD know there is still hope for me.. even though the road seems to be getting darker and darker...

God, I want to come back to you.. instead of being lost in this world!!!!!

I DO NOT want to think about all the things I somehow ended up thinking anymore!!

YOU have a plan for me!!!!

OOoooooOOooo... it actually feels better typing it all up, eventhough I am STILL behind in my readings... and now feeling tired! God, please help me be able to wake up earlier tomorrow to finish my readings so I can write the essay AND study for my quiz!! Sorry... I'm asking for tooooooOOoooo much.